A Season for Dating

A Season for Dating...

This past December, a month after I came to California, one of my dearest friends passed away from incurable cancer. He was having aches in his leg and lower back area, so we assumed it was just some kind of lower back issue. I advised him to go to the hospital to have it looked at. A couple of weeks later he passed away. If life was not difficult enough already, because my girlfriend and I broke up the month before, I was alone in a different state with no friends or family to support me. The two events were so close to each other, it was miserable, I was so depressed and hated being up here. I was filled with a lot of resentment and grief; it left me with the sensation of being powerless and deserted. I mull over that time to of been my season of mourning. Seasons - what is a season? A season is a time when something changes to another. Spring turns into summer, and summer into fall, this is a fact of life. Even places like Hawaii has different seasons, it is just less noticeable than other places in the world.

As humans, we go into different seasons; just as the landscape around us will go through various seasons. We will experience a season of being single, of dating, and often from dating to marriage. A season of joy and seasons of sorrow and even times where it feels like nothing is changing, it is unavoidable for us as humans to not experience these seasons in our life.

With every new season will come its own challenges and meaningfulness, even if some times have more sorrow or happiness than others. The important thing is that we allow ourselves to grow through each of these different times, moving forward, strengthening our weaknesses and revitalizing our strengths. What season do you currently find yourself in?

I would love to be dating right now, but I know it is not my time. I am in a season of singleness. Truthfully, I would be keen on seeing a beautiful Asian Christian woman, to grow a warm bond that has significance and is devoid of the absurd running around and BS that a lot of people call having a relationship or dating. As we all know dating can be casual, or more serious, I have constantly been the sort who takes dating as serious - that I would only try to pursue a single individual at a time. Unfortunately I know I’m not ready to date. Maybe it was all my unsuccessful relationships that helped educate me on this, but at last I see what people who care about me were trying to tell me all along. It is a poor idea to just hop into a relationship without first counting the price of what it will cost. Everybody who’s been on a date with somebody knows that there is a price that goes along with it, particularly those who do more of the paying. The first apparent thing that I would expect to come to your train of thought is that dating costs money. How will you pay for dinner and a movie without money? The next price is time – you’ll use this to find out if they are worth giving more time to, or if they’re full of themselves. Every growing relationship needs to have time invested into it. Maturity, probably the hardest thing to obtain and measure, needs to be present in any relationship...especially when dating. Are you able to handle the whole repertoire of emotions and issues that can and will come with dating? Do make sure that you are not just “rebounding” and are not still stuck on somebody else. How terrible it would be to have someone be with you while they are dreaming about somebody else. Be real with them as well as with yourself. Lastly, don’t date the first person who throws themselves at you because you feel alone. Keep to your standards, if you have any. Making someone feel special just one time and them dropping them is a real butt-head move. Don’t be manipulative for your own satisfaction and ego.

Preparing for dating...

Are your finances in order? Can you manage to pay to take your date out to dinner, or to the movies, or are you expecting them to pay? If you can’t buy a meal for yourself, you surely cannot afford the price for two. Make the time to be stable with money, instead of using your time for dating, use that time to learn about money management – budgeting, things you can do to increase your income, to basically just get you back on solid ground. Don’t put yourself in a position where you are trying to astound the person you’re dating by purchasing them things that will put you either more in debt, or make you fall behind in your already late rent. Shouldn’t dating be exhilarating? Then don’t make it something that will be stressful and burdensome on you. This is a bad idea if you’re trying to make a good impression, she’ll eventually find out. Women are looking for men who can give a certain amount of security as well as honesty, who’s capable on standing on their own feet. Just as women look for men who are stable, men look for women who are stable too, they are not looking for a person who just wants a handout. There are plenty of opportunities to grow financially; do not be afraid to ask for help, search the internet, or even pray to God and ask Him. There are agencies like Human Resources, churches, and others that are more than willing to help.

I’m not saying you have to be financially set to date, just be able to handle the cost as well as taking care of any of the financial responsibilities that you carry. In every other aspect I mention, it goes the same way. We all will go through various issues in life with many unusual life conditions. What I am striving for is a basic pre-dating outline that will be of help when you step into your season of dating. You will have to make the final decision on whether or not you are ready to begin dating seriously. Moving on...

What does your standard week look like? Is it jam-packed with work, school, a second job, helping family members, sports, etc? If you hope to date, then you must set aside time for it. Even people who are spontaneous need to make time for dating. The more you have on your plate to do, the less amount of time you will have to date period. Activities will have to be removed or shortened to set aside that time. This is a good thing, normally, until the things that are being cut back are the important gears in your life. I would hope that it was evident, but somehow it is not. Sadly I’ve watched individuals make careless decisions regarding time and activities when they begin seeing someone – whoever they are dating. Calling in sick to work, not showing up for classes, making excuses for not helping a family member or friend they said they would help is not wise for making time when you are dating. Heck, it is not wise period. If you are unable to set aside time to begin dating, or while dating, and doing so will affect work, school, or other responsibilities, then don’t do it. Cut back on other things – video games, shopping, watching T.V, browsing the internet, drinking all the time, hanging out with your friends every day, or something that won’t affect your responsibilities.

We exist in a society that loves to cut corners and enjoys instant satisfaction. The pitt-side to this is not having patience; our desires and our will must come instantly or somewhere close to that. This has led many people to become impatient, which leads them to make regretful decisions. Be wise and save yourself the time and heartache of such decisions by not allowing yourself to be so time-intolerant. Time will be saved because you will not have to go through the proceedings of having to mix that mistake, or have it made right.

As much as maturity has to deal with your time and money management, I also thought it would be wise to also stand alone in its own point. Too many times I have heard “maturity comes with time,” or that “they will change with time.” Sadly to say, but that is just wishful thinking. How many times have you made the same mistakes over and over? How many people do you know that have made the same mistake over and over? Maturity is hard to measure and it spans through many areas of a person’s life. It spans from money, to time, how one deals with anger, to being honest and keeping one’s word. Ask yourself some questions dealing with dating to see where you stand. Better yet, have a close friend who will be honest give their own little evaluation of you, ask a family member, even an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend. Ask questions like: Do I get angry easily? How do I deal with that anger? How do I deal with the person’s anger that I’m seeing? Do I get jealous easily? Am I controlling? Am I vengeful? Do I flirt too much or lead on when I’m seeing someone else? Am I caring? Something to certainly ask yourself too is am I still getting over someone else? Don’t jump into the “rebound” game. Again, that’s a butt-head move. Know your strengths as well as your weaknesses so that you will respond during your next season of dating rather than reacting. Be mature by thinking first, that’s the difference between reacting and responding.

It is my hope that you will take this advice and stand on solid ground as you go from being single to dating. In fact, it is never too late to grow from any season you may find yourself in. Just remember though that change will have to begin with you and the decisions you make. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Walk strong in your next season of dating,

Ika